Our Kids And Divorce
How to guide children through tough times
Protecting your children emotionally during a divorce is daunting, especially while living inside of a culture that generally sends the message that divorce is a shameful situation that is inescapably catastrophic and damaging. When I was going through my divorce, it felt like few people in my life had any real-time, practical advice about guiding my kids through it in a way that would help them succeed, except that I shouldn’t be divorcing in the first place if I really wanted what was best for my kids. (Let’s not get sidetracked on that, but make no mistake that what is best for children is for the adults in their lives to be mentally and emotionally sound. That includes having the ability to reshape relationships that are not working. A mentally and emotionally sound parent can be fully present to their children, instead of diverting their energy into constantly working through issues or emotional distress in their marital relationship.)
I am a product of divorce myself - my dad moved out when I was around 10 years old - and I just finalized my own divorce as of January 4th this year. While every marriage, family, and divorce is unique and presents its own specific challenges, I’d love to share some things about my lived experiences as both a child and a parent navigating divorce. I hope to offer some practical tips if you are embarking on or in the midst of a divorce with children. This post will likely be one of two parts. Here we go!
Shed Your Shame Not everyone was raised in a religious setting but for those of us who were, divorce comes with an overbearing load of stigma and shame. I think an enormous element of my own grief and struggles with divorce was grappling with doing something that in my world growing up was shameful, wrong, disappointing, and above all, a mark of failure. Put simply, if coming from a religious background, some people in your life won’t support the decision to divorce and will cast judgment and shame, on top of the judgment and shame you’ve likely already internalized throughout your childhood.
It was extremely important for me not to bring those attitudes to my children, and to do that I had to work to truly shift my mindset - I had to believe divorce is not those things. Divorce is a difficult solution to difficult problems. But it is not a failure. It is a restructuring of something that was not working. If you struggle with feeling shame that you are “ruining your kids’ lives” or “failing” I would encourage you to take your time exploring that with yourself. Challenge how you are framing it in your mind. With time you can reshape your perspective of divorce through grieving, therapy, creating and practicing affirmations, journaling, meditating, and other forms of processing and releasing. That way, you don’t dump those unnecessarily damaging perspectives onto your children.
Take Your Time Before my ex and I spoke with our children about our decision to divorce, we spent several months cohabitating while going to counseling to help us through the transition of divorce. I understand that for many it may not be possible to give your partner and yourself a head start on processing the grief and transition before bringing your children into the discussion. If it’s something you can achieve, I highly recommend giving yourself a head start on processing. I believe it was helpful for me to have time in therapy, with friends, and alone to process my big emotions before walking my kids through theirs. You may not be in a circumstance where your ex is cooperative with taking the process slowly, but any opportunities you have to pause, regroup, and plan out your initial conversations with your children, the better.
Practicing conversations with my kids before I had them was imperative for me. I brainstormed what questions I thought my children might have. I wrote them out, and wrote out my answers so I could see what explanations still needed work. I even spent time practicing the initial conversation I would have with them, several times. I would rehearse driving in the car, in the shower, lying in bed at night, actually speaking out loud so I could get comfortable hearing my voice say what had felt like the unspeakable. I needed time to achieve the emotional bandwidth to have the conversation without tearing up while I was talking, and practicing alone helped me have that capacity.
You Set The Tone If I could offer one piece of advice to parents going through divorce, it would be, “Set the right tone.” As the adult, you set the tone with your children. Even if your ex is uncooperative, you always have control of how you present yourself and information to your children. Focus on self-regulation. Most children are curious miners of information, adept interpreters of mood and emotion. They are highly attuned to the adults in their presence, and often they take their mood cues and perspectives from you. This is both a little horrifying, and fabulous news. It means that you can positively steer your kids through something as difficult as divorce by choosing your framing of the situation carefully, compassionately, neutrally, and with optimism for the future. I have seen great success with this in my own circumstances.
For example, it was positive for my children to hear from me repeatedly that divorce is a normal thing that normal people sometimes choose. I hesitate to use the word “normal” but, my point here was to let them know this was not a flaw in them or their parents. I have never once catastrophized divorce to my children. Divorce is simply, fundamentally: change. For many millennials my age, divorce is adaptation from old systems that were not serving us. It is altering your situation because something wasn’t working the way that it was before. I gave examples to my kids of other ways we change our circumstances and adapt. Even if the comparison is not airtight, it helps to give them something to work with to understand that change is a regular, expected part of life.
For example: you might talk about how sometimes you decide that you need to move homes, whether it’s because it can’t fit your family anymore, you’ve changed your mind about where to live or what you value in a house. Moving can be a bit chaotic and uncomfortable, but eventually you adjust to a new normal together. Focus on framing the divorce as a conscious, calm life change, or a restructuring of your family rather than a loss, fracture, or catastrophe. Express your confidence in your ability to support your kids during this change, and in their ability to handle it.
Hold Space For Them Even though you want to dispel as much stigma as possible with divorce for your children, of course it will still hold some confusion, sadness, disappointment, or anger for your children. One reason I encourage you to take your time and process your part of this transition before you talk to your children is because it will allow you to have more space to hold whatever they are feeling.
Your goal is not to pretend that divorce isn’t hard. Divorce is hard. Your goal is to not ask your children to carry your hardship for you, and to give them the confidence to make it through a difficult situation with resilience, self trust, and the ability to thrive in their future. Make sure your kids know that you are available for them to express their experience to you, even if it is uncomfortable to you. If you notice they are upset, scared, angry, whatever, you can say things like, “It’s safe for you to feel that way about this. I’m here with you.” or “It makes sense to me that you feel that way. I’m always here for us to work through this together.” It’s very important for your kids that you keep your engagements with them about THEIR experience, not yours. Don’t trash talk, don’t unload, don’t ask them to hold anything for you. They are the child, you are their fearless leader (who can get your support elsewhere at another time).
Accept That It’s a Process Above all, navigating divorce is an ongoing process. One conversation won’t be the end of explaining to your children what your new reality is and ironing out the details - it will take time, trials and errors. That’s not a problem, that is not a failure, that is reality! As things change, new obstacles will arise that will require you to problem solve again both with and without your kids. Don’t panic, love. Accepting that life - with or without divorce - is an ongoing series of changes to adapt to will help your children adapt more successfully to life’s curveballs.
Beyond magical sound bites and perfect answers, the best thing you can offer your children throughout this process is an example of an adult who can calmly look difficult situations in the eye without shame, blame, or fear and problem solve with optimism. If your kids stump you at times with questions, remember it is more than ok to respond, “I’m not sure, I’ll have to think about that and get back to you.”
This was so tricky to cover in one (already quite long) post - do you have more questions, or would you like more specific talking points for having that initial conversation with your kids? (That was the hardest part for me.) Let me know and I can dive in further in another post. Sending you all big love.
