The Discipline of Daydreaming
How to walk toward the life you want
A few weeks ago, someone asked me about how to build discipline. This topic has consumed me for awhile now: real change. How do we make sustainable change in our lives? Is it really all just dread and shame and begrudgingly forcing ourselves through motions of a new routine we’ll quit in a few weeks?
Here are my two cents. I actually think change can be inspiring and a good time, but only when I come at it from the right angle (hint: the angle is not punishment or shame). So I start with this question: What kind of life do I want to be living, but more importantly, how do I want to feel? Every day. How do I want to feel in my life?
When I get clear on that, then I can begin spending a little time everyday visualizing that life, that version of me who’s there with all the qualities needed to sustain that life, and how that life feels. Watching her, I let my body feel what it would feel like to be her, or even just be in the room with her. It sounds lazy, right?
For the longest time, I thought daydreaming was something I was supposed to be feeling bad about. But actually, scientifically, what we spend time rehearsing in our minds, is what we train our subconscious to see as reality. This is why someone can say something cruel to us in elementary school, and as adults we still struggle with it. Not because it’s true, but because we’ve rehashed it so many times in our mind, our brain now perceives that story as reality.
For the most part, we live our lives, even the “conscious” part of our waking lives, on autopilot of our subconscious. Whatever data or stories it’s taken in over time is the fuel it’s running on. Whatever neural pathways it’s most frequently run, is what it will run through again. So if you want a different life, you have to begin giving your subconscious different stories to work with. The more you consume those ideas and stories while also interrupting the flow of the old ones, the more your subconscious starts directing you to a different story. A different reality.
Do you think that feeling content, safe, and accomplished in life is truly impossible? Then your subconscious agrees. Do you think life is expansive, your mind malleable, and possibilities endless? Your subconscious agrees. Because all it does is take in the stories. It does not sift for truth, or usefulness, it simply takes what it’s handed and integrates it. So, we can get somewhere by dread, and grinding, and shame, and trying to consciously fight against the unconscious within us, or literally (at least in part) by daydreaming? Yeah.
Daydreaming, or visualization involves two things: first, imagining or journaling that version of yourself in the future. It can be anything, like imagining yourself being less reactive to your kids, or imagining yourself accomplishing your dream of starting a podcast, whatever it is you want to see happen. Then, becoming so immersed in the idea that your body experiences the feelings you’d feel. What would you feel like in front of that podcast mic, interviewing someone? What would you feel like, responding to your child with ample patience and compassion?
Visualization should be specific, so it can involve you envisioning the non-glamorous part of the future you want, as well. The doing the work part. It can also involve watching yourself perform old habits you are aware of, and creating a new movie in your mind of you realizing that pattern in the moment, and redirecting. For example, imagining your kid bugging the hell out of you, and then imagining you pausing, regulating, and having the bandwidth to maintain your peace and compassion and respond rather than react. Or, imagining you snoozing your alarm for the 8th time instead of getting up to go to work on your podcast. But this time, you imagine yourself realizing how important this is to you, and getting up and accomplishing a whole bunch - and feeling in your body what that accomplishment feels like.
Once I got comfortable with this concept through journaling or closing my eyes, I did two other things to help me. First, I wrote out specific affirmations to read daily. If that sounds like a hard thing to come up with, think again in your mind about that version of you that you visualize in the future. What’s she look like? How does she walk and talk? How does she handle her stress and anxiety? Usually, you can build some great affirmations this way. For example, “I always stop and pause when my kids trigger me. I am so good at responding rather than reacting.” or “Every day it’s easy for me to get out of bed and get started, because I know showing up for myself is an act of deep self-love and joy.”
Secondly, and most importantly, I picked one thing that would help get me closer to that future. For example, with kids, I could practice taking two big deep breaths when I feel triggered before I’m allowed to speak. For the podcast it might be setting a timer for 30 minutes a day to focus just on that endeavor instead of scrolling on my phone.
One thing I think is so important to remember is that above all, shame won’t work, but curiosity will. If you know that most of the way you maneuver through life is off of your subconscious narratives, you can stop beating yourself up for the same old shit, and start getting compassionately curious about what storylines your mind is running on that has you going through motions that don’t serve you.
My full time work in coaching is to come alongside women looking to change the narrative of their inner world to lead to a more centered, connected, and courageous experience in their outer world. If working with me sounds like something you’d like to do, you can click here to book a call with me to talk more about what that looks like!
In your corner,
Jolie
