"Will You Ever Get Married Again?"
Thoughts on re-marriage from a divorced mom
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Whenever I do an Ask Me Anything Q+A on my Instagram stories, the question of whether or not I will ever remarry (or some people just plainly asking, “Are you engaged?” lol) inevitably comes up. I thought today I would dive into this rather personal discussion!
Shortly after my divorce happened, I felt strongly that I couldn’t imagine getting married again. Marriage to me felt like a lot of things: an opportunity for more pain and betrayal. A reminder of my own perceived failings. A gimmick in which women are often short-changed and eventually trapped. A social expectation to fulfill that conveniently got you out of being looked at like an alien the further along you got into adulthood without a ring on your finger.
Marriage felt like an idea I was sold. Marriage felt like something I was supposed to want in order to be status quo. And since I had bought into it so hard the first time and failed, I felt embittered, duped, shamed, and hardened to the whole idea. I imagined myself forever flying solo, in artsy outfits, trying out different variations of daydreams in my head.
Maybe I would stay single for years, and do things with my full attention: travel, write, make art, get rich on my own. Or maybe I would entertain a line of long-term lovers, one after the other. Maybe I would try out polyamory. Maybe I would move in with one of my friends and have a platonic life partner and never have to argue about the domestic load with someone again.
But over time I began to unexpectedly grapple with another side of me that came out, after the searing wounds of my marriage ending (I wrote failing at first but, growth, we’re calling it ending instead) had begun to scar over. As I have in many stages of my life, I began to reckon with who I thought I was supposed to be (cynical, hardened) and who I actually was (tender, hopeful.)
This was a side of me that could see that I had always wanted to be married for as long as I can remember - not because I was pining for the fancy wedding or guilded carriage of financial dependence on someone, but because it just always sounded nice to me to have someone that was always going to be in your corner through the ups and downs of life. Companionship. Belonging, on an intimate, daily level. While I didn’t have the model for that working out (my parents had a rocky marriage that ultimately ended when I was around ten) I somehow didn’t have my hope squashed that I could find that for myself. Maybe it’s the libra moon in me.
As time has marched forward since my divorce in 2022, so much has informed my thoughts on what I want for my own future. Let me get into my thoughts: