Neural Pathways Don't Grow On Trees
on acclimating + thriving in unexpected circumstances
The other day I was on my roof pretending like I know how to use chimney flashing sealant. This was mostly me 1) getting on the roof only to sit quietly inspecting the sealant tube for five entire minutes before realizing I need some sort of device to get the sealant out of the tube 2) texting my divorced-fairy-godmother who lives on my street and always has everything I need, “Do you need a thing to get the stuff out of this thing?” (Yes you do, I have one, come over) 3) getting back on the roof globbing the sealant into what I presumed was the right place and 4) immediately getting it all over the sweatshirt my boyfriend just bought me (why was I wearing my favorite sweatshirt while using sealant? Please respect my privacy at this time). It was a “life comes at you fast” sort of moment, sitting alone and deflated with tarry black sealant all on my sleeve, my own shoddy contractor work glaring back at me.
A few days later I still woke up to another water mark on my bedroom ceiling, sealant be damned. I was taken back to memories of my mom cursing the sky (and my father) whenever something in the house was needing attention she didn’t have the bandwidth for. “If your father hadn’t left! I wouldn’t be up on this LADDER!” And even though I still feel resentment toward the way she forever found a scapegoat for her misery, I do also kind of get it - the way that you can find yourself looking around a life that isn’t at all what you thought it would be and wondering how the hell you got here, to this particular place of what-the-fuck.
One thing I didn’t bargain for in divorce was how long you feel like such a stranger in your own life. Even when the pieces have been rearranged and momentum is taking hold - new work, new living arrangements, new custody schedule - it takes the heart time to catch up. My spirit isn’t used to so much solitude, my feet don’t know where they are, my heart is always throbbing, sending out signals to my children when they are gone. It’s not necessarily about any of it being good or bad, it’s just how disorienting the experience can be to find yourself having to put one foot in front of another in a life that is unrecognizable.
There is an element to navigating all of this I have been trying to engage more and more. It is something like: we are actually quite capable of thriving in a wide variety of realities and environments, and the more we loosen our grip on one, tunneled vision of How We Thought It’d Be and instead embody different narratives than we are accustomed to, the more we build the skills to thrive in new roles and environments. Just because we were ready for one thing that didn’t turn out, doesn’t mean we can’t acclimate and thrive in something entirely different.
Our energy is a finite reserve of currency we choose how to spend, and when we spend that energy telling ourselves the story of how this isn’t what we planned and we don’t know what to do or how will I ever succeed and we are so wronged and this is all so wrong and not what we thought it would be etc. etc. etc., we use up that precious reserve of energy that we should be spending building the capacity and skills we need to forge the path we really want to be on.
So what’s the magic trick? Of course there isn’t one, ever. But I do think there is a magical quality to begin with the simple acts of asking in faith and confidently living out the lives we truly want. I follow a powerful business coach named Naomi Powell and recently she shared something I found so profound. She was speaking in terms of business, but I feel it is well suited for life advice as well. “The only way we change our circumstances is to become the leading frequency in our lives…how can I take actions every day that are more congruent with what I say I want?”
What frequency am I creating in my life? Is it of scarcity, victimhood, woundedness, and dread, or of abundance, courage, competence, and adventure? What kind of soil have I created for my seeds to come up in? Why am I waiting around twisting my fingers up and biting my lips talking about what’s going to happen and will I be ok, instead of creating a place in the world in which to cultivate my dreams? Do I think that the neural pathways of trusting myself and having the capacity to Do The Work are going to pave themselves? Absolutely not my dear (she says in the mirror). We have got to be the expert tenders of our soil so that we can cultivate the life we truly want.
Three ways I’m tangibly tending the soil for the life I truly want, beyond the paywall…
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